Evil clowns, shadow figures and more

I think that when people think of hallucinations they generally think of auditory hallucinations, in particular hearing voices. And other hallucinations get pushed aside.

My first type of hallucination was auditory, but the type of hallucinations I struggle with the most in the present is visual hallucinations.

I don’t have visual hallucinations 24/7, but I do have them quite frequently.

Here is a list of just some of the things I have had visual hallucinations of.

1. People or animals covered in blood and bite marks.

2. Myself dead in various situations

3. People I love dead in various situations

4. Blood coming out of walls

5. Food turning into dead animals

6. Evil clowns

7. Shadow figures

8. Malcolm (the main voice I hear)

9. Spiders

As you can probably try to imagine seeing these things listed above isn’t nice.

In fact it’s terrifying and makes me incredibly anxious and scared.

I first had visual hallucinations when I was about 16/17. I was with sixth form on a visit to a university and I saw myself get hit by a car and die. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I was freaking out, confused and scared.

However I didn’t feel I could tell anyone because I was scared they’d either call me a liar, or get me locked up.

You see the thing is I can’t block out visual hallucinations like I can with auditory ones. I can put headphones on and blast music through them to drown out the auditory hallucinations, but the visual ones follow me if I move room, or stay imprinted on my mind if I shut my eyes.

I cannot escape them and they are terrifying. Even when I know they’re an hallucination it’s still scary. But when I believe they are completely real I breakdown, I run away, I scream or I cry and hide as best I can. Because I am fucking terrified.

Being psychotic is exhausting and for me one of the hardest symptoms to deal with is visual hallucinations.

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