Content warning. This blog includes talk of suicide methods.
“Oi shut up and listen to me”
“Ignore him. He doesn’t love you. He’s wrong. Listen to me”
“I’m right about everything and you’re a freak”
“Oi hurt yourself”
“You don’t deserve to live”
“Just die already”
“Punch the next person that walks past”
“If you don’t do as I say I’ll kill Evan”
“Stab someone. Anyone. Just do it”
“Jump off a bridge”
The above is just some of the things that Malcolm (one of the voices I hear) says to me on a pretty much daily basis.
I used to hear voices of some sort 24/7 but my anti psychotic medication has calmed things down a bit and now things are a few times a day or even when lucky a few times a week.
Hearing voices is terrifying, especially when they first started about 14 years ago when I was about 15/16.
They started with small things.
I would hear my name shouted when in an empty house. I would hear whispering. They were pretty infrequent to start with.
I was scared but I was more scared of what would happen to me if I told anyone. So I kept it all to myself for years.
I thought if I mentioned this I would be locked up forever.
As the years progressed then the voices got more frequent. I was now on anti depressants but still not telling doctors about the voices (and other psychotic symptoms I was beginning to experience at a rapid pace)
I was scared of being locked away.
But then my depression caused me to be admitted to a psych ward for a few weeks and I met patients who talked about psychosis stuff including hearing voices and I suddenly didn’t feel alone.
I didn’t suddenly tell professionals everything. But slowly I started mentioning these voices more and more, plus the other psychosis stuff.
The problem was that the psych who discharged me from my first psych ward stay diagnosed me with EUPD/BPD. A diagnosis I disagree with and do not identify as having. But unfortunately that diagnosis comes with a lot of stigma and most professionals who I told about Malcolm thought I was lying for attention.
This hurt me a lot.
It had taken so much for me to talk about him and now I was being called a liar.
Last year (2018) I was sectioned and ended up in a hospital in Bristol. And the good thing was the psychiatrist there actually believed me and listened to me.
I had been on various anti psychotics over the years some prescribed by a psych who sort of believed me about Malcolm and then also prescribed for my Tourette’s. None of them helped for either.
But in Bristol the doctor put me on a new anti psychotic and it has actually helped with my psychosis.
I still have daily psychotic stuff but most of the time it’s manageable. Sometimes it’s very challenging but that used to be every minute of every day.
The doctor in Bristol also prescribed me lithium and suddenly I was no longer having manic episodes.
He said he didn’t want to mess with diagnoses but did say he doubts I have EUPD/BPD and that I have a psychotic disorder and a mood disorder (essentially diagnosing me with schizoaffective, which I agree with)
Anyway now a days Malcolm is still a massive part of my life. He still says mean and vile stuff to me. But I also get breaks from him. And playing music or sensory sounds through headphones can block him out.
I’ve been hearing voices for about 14 years now. And it doesn’t get easier to cope with the horrible stuff that Malcolm comes out with, but I do have methods to block him out. That includes medication to reduce him and my other psychotic stuff.
Living as a psychotic person is bloody hard work. It’s difficult to explain to others what it’s like to hallucinate or be paranoid or delusional.
Trying to explain to none psychotic folk what hearing voices is like is a real challenge. As people say to me it’s hard to imagine hearing voices, especially when so mean like mine.
But I just wish people would believe psychotic people when we talk bout the challenges of our symptoms. And how hearing voices can affect us.
Malcolm will always be a part of my life and I’m slowly beginning to accept that. I just wish he would say something nice/positive once every so often.