E is for Embracing who I am   #atozchallenge 

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Embrace- accept willingly and enthusiastically.

It can be hard to embrace yourself fully or even at all in anyway.
For so much of my life I’ve never been able to embrace any aspect of myself.

Now though I embrace more of who I am. No I’m not saying I love all of me all of the time but I embrace a bit more of myself some of the time.

It has helped me having a partner and a few friends who i actually know like me and love me as me.
These people don’t try to change me. They accept if I can’t go out because if I do I’ll have a meltdown. They are ok with the fact I listen to classical music and love period dramas. They don’t expect me to be or act neurotypical.

It’s very refreshing for me to have this in my life. And slowly over the last few years the more they’ve all embraced me and the more I’ve realised they’re not going to abandon me or try to change me, I’ve started to embrace me more.

I still have a lot of self hate and very low self esteem and often call myself negative things and think them off myself, but that’s not all as bad as a few years ago.

I now don’t try to fit in. I remember in primary school a friend loved the simpsons so I told people I liked the simpsons, I thought the simpsons were a pop band. I said I supported arsenal football club because this same friend did and I wanted to be liked, when in reality I didn’t really care about which football team won.
When asked what music I liked I always lied, because I learnt very quickly at a young age that answering that with ‘classical music’ got you bullied emotionally and physically.

Now though I don’t try to fit into others ideas of me. I just want to be me.
So I want to say this:

I am a non-binary trans man, who is gay and on the asexual spectrum. I am autistic, neurodivergent. I have Tourette’s and complex mental illnesses. I am a wheelchair user and I am on several psychiatric medications. I love the Tudor period and classical music. I don’t drink alcohol, I hate going out to clubs and I’d rather stay at home than be out in a busy place. I could quite happily spend every day at the Tower of London.
And if anyone doesn’t like any of that or thinks it’s stupid or wrong then that’s your problem and not mine.
I will no longer tell you what you want to hear. I am my own person and will not change to fit into your ideas of who I should be.

So slowly I am embracing who I am more. It’s really hard sometimes, especially when the world is so often against who I am.