E is for Embracing who I am   #atozchallenge 

[image description: brown background with a stamp of the A to Z challenge in the background. Writing on the top reads “A to Z participant (2017) then there is a large capital letter ‘E’ in the middle. Below the ‘E’ it reads “blogging from A to Z” below that it reads “http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/ end of image description.]

Embrace- accept willingly and enthusiastically.

It can be hard to embrace yourself fully or even at all in anyway.
For so much of my life I’ve never been able to embrace any aspect of myself.

Now though I embrace more of who I am. No I’m not saying I love all of me all of the time but I embrace a bit more of myself some of the time.

It has helped me having a partner and a few friends who i actually know like me and love me as me.
These people don’t try to change me. They accept if I can’t go out because if I do I’ll have a meltdown. They are ok with the fact I listen to classical music and love period dramas. They don’t expect me to be or act neurotypical.

It’s very refreshing for me to have this in my life. And slowly over the last few years the more they’ve all embraced me and the more I’ve realised they’re not going to abandon me or try to change me, I’ve started to embrace me more.

I still have a lot of self hate and very low self esteem and often call myself negative things and think them off myself, but that’s not all as bad as a few years ago.

I now don’t try to fit in. I remember in primary school a friend loved the simpsons so I told people I liked the simpsons, I thought the simpsons were a pop band. I said I supported arsenal football club because this same friend did and I wanted to be liked, when in reality I didn’t really care about which football team won.
When asked what music I liked I always lied, because I learnt very quickly at a young age that answering that with ‘classical music’ got you bullied emotionally and physically.

Now though I don’t try to fit into others ideas of me. I just want to be me.
So I want to say this:

I am a non-binary trans man, who is gay and on the asexual spectrum. I am autistic, neurodivergent. I have Tourette’s and complex mental illnesses. I am a wheelchair user and I am on several psychiatric medications. I love the Tudor period and classical music. I don’t drink alcohol, I hate going out to clubs and I’d rather stay at home than be out in a busy place. I could quite happily spend every day at the Tower of London.
And if anyone doesn’t like any of that or thinks it’s stupid or wrong then that’s your problem and not mine.
I will no longer tell you what you want to hear. I am my own person and will not change to fit into your ideas of who I should be.

So slowly I am embracing who I am more. It’s really hard sometimes, especially when the world is so often against who I am.

6 thoughts on “E is for Embracing who I am   #atozchallenge 

  1. Nilanjana Bose April 6, 2017 — 5:15 pm

    If you have to lie to fit in with your ‘friend,’ they aren’t your friend anyway. Good friends don’t try to change each other, they help to grow each other, the change is organic and feel-good for both parties.

    Best wishes for the A-Z,

    1. Yep, I used to think I had to change to fit in and have people like me, as I was told if people didn’t like me it was because I was different. Now I am me and I won’t change to fit in.

  2. ‘Be who you are, because there is no one else like you’. This is difficult to follow on some days but embracing ourselves and our traits is the first step
    Celebrating ‘Women & their work’ all April: E for An Education for all

  3. Good friends do make such a difference – they give you a whole new perspective on yourself.
    Embrace away!
    (and happy A-Z)

    1. They really do make a great difference. Thanks 🙂

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